Preparation & Paranoia

I’m getting to the point where all I want to do is GET READY.  I don’t know if it is out of some nesting instinct, a result of knowing a trip to Europe could be coming anytime, or out of a subconscious notion that getting fully ready will mean this one can’t fall through.  It’s probably a combination of all of them.

I find myself mentally making lists about packing, my mind wondering to the articles I bookmarked to research Baby W’s medical condition, my hands itching to get a hold of the two books about attachment that are supposed to come in the mail today.  There is always another item to add to the registry, another chapter to be read, another doctor to call.

AND IT IS ALL I WANT TO DO.

This week I started doing my morning reading in the baby room.  It has quickly become my favorite room in the house, with the sheer, brown curtains wafting in the breeze of the open windows and the bright, happy colors warming me to the core.  No matter what else I might be stressed about, walking in there always fills me with peace.  There is a rocking chair in the corner of the roomrocker, and I’ve dubbed it my morning place for drinking my coffee, reading my Bible, and perusing the adoption blogs and books I enjoy.

Seriously, guys, I think I could sit there reading and dreaming all.day.long.  It’s a problem.  Every day it gets a little harder and takes a little longer to pull myself from the chair, from the nursery, and back to reality.  It’s almost like being in there lets me pretend that these days of waiting, paperwork and uncertainty are over.  Like I can close my eyes and pretend that my son is sleeping in his crib next to me, and I’m just reading and rocking and waiting for him to wake up.

I realize it’s possible that makes me sounds like a crazy person, but I’ve accepted that this is what adoption does to you.  It messes with your freaking mind, people.

In addition to the crazy urge to spend 24/7 preparing, I’ve also found myself feeling more than a little paranoid all week.  We’re waiting for our commitment letter and few other documents to be translated and approved by the adoption center, at which point we will be officially matched with Baby W.  At the point that is completed, risk drops pretty drastically.  All week we have been waiting for news that we are officially matched.  Realistically, we probably won’t get that news until next week, but that hasn’t stopped me from waiting a little too anxiously.

I’ve found myself having some sort of weird flashbacks to when we got the call that our adoption of Baby M had been stopped.  It was about at the same point we are now – in major prep mode, anticipating travelling anytime, making lists and reading books.

It was a Monday.  It was about 9:30 pm.  I was sitting in our home office reading “Attaching in Adoption” out loud to Alex while he worked on the computer.  I had been expecting an email all day from our agency about some question I had asked about travel plans, and was surprised I hadn’t gotten a response.  When my cell phone rang and I heard our agency director start by saying that she had purposefully waited until late in the evening to call, in hopes that she would be giving us the news together, I knew.

It took me a couple months to realize why every Monday evening, I start getting really tense and anxious.  Now, ever since we have been pursing Baby W, I didn’t notice why every unreplied email means suffering near whiplash every time I hear the email “ding” on my phone.  At first I didn’t understand why I keep feeling panicky before bedtime, or why evening phone calls make my whole body go cold.

Is there such a thing as post-traumatic adoption stress?  Did I mention adoption messes with your mind?

I’ve learned that the best way to combat anxiety is with the Truth.  So, I’d love to hear from you!  What are your favorite verses about God’s peace, not living in fear, trusting in Him, etc?  What verses has God used to speak to you in times of uncertainty or waiting?  Comment below, email me contact@unspokenadoption.com or comment on our Facebook page.

You all are awesome 🙂  Thanks for sharing how God has brought you peace!

 

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