Rain Come Down

Image: 55Laney69 via Flickr/Creative Commons

Image: 55Laney69 via Flickr/Creative Commons

Oh, Lordy.

At this point last week, we were waiting for two documents to come in the mail to finish our dossier.  As soon as they came, we would send it all of to Europe and wait what we thought would be just a few weeks before we got to get on a plane.  When the first of the two documents came in the mail, the reality started to set in.  We were so close to being finished.  It’s been nearly nine months to the day since we started, and we were almost done.

Everything came crashing down on Monday night.  The days since then have been such a blur, that I can hardly remember them.  It truly is remarkable how quickly things can change.  I know people always say things like this when something unexpected happens, but it’s so true that I am going to say it anyway.  Don’t take things for granted.  Especially not your children.  They are not a right or a guarantee, even once they are home and under your roof.

How’s that for a sunny disposition, eh?

This morning, the doorbell rang.  It felt just like it did last week.  Me at the desk, the dogs jumping up and running to the door.  Me peering around the computer monitor to see the UPS truck out front.  Having the sudden realization that it was the delivery of one of our final documents.  There was one major difference, though.  I didn’t jump up and run to the door to retrieve it excitedly.  In fact, it was all I could do to get up at all.  But I didn’t want it to get rained on, so I went and got it.  The “Urgent: Next Day Delivery” sticker felt like it was laughing at me.

Our dossier is finished now.  We thought today would be a day of celebration, to culminate the work of the past nine months.  It was supposed to be a day that ushered us from the Paperwork Phase and into the Preparation Phase.  But it isn’t.  It’s not even close.  And for a brief moment, it was all just too much.

I still have hope for what is to come.  I still pray with everything in me that our letter will make a difference.  But I am also grieving.  And isn’t that such a perfect picture of adoption?  Hope for what can be redeemed … grief for what has been lost.  Life in a fallen world.

It’s one of those days where my prayers are just more of a groan than any sensible words.  Thankfully, God has a lot of experiencing deciphering those kinds of prayers.


“I would have despaired, had I not expected to see the goodness of the Lord.”  

-Psalm 27:13

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